Divorcing the old me, Marrying the new me
Shout-out to Ms. Lisa Ramos for inspiring me to finally talk about this. I jotted this title down in my notes but never took action on it until literally today. When I use to look back at myself it really made me cringe. The way I carried myself, the way I allowed others to treat me. I didn't know what real love was so I allowed literally anything even a crumb of the bare minimum was enough for me. I would accept a lousy sorry and then allow them to do it all over again. I would always claim "I loved myself" but when ever life smacked me in the face or someone used, abused, mistreated me that love went directly out the window. I would fold on myself so bad I didn't know who I was. When you love someone you don't fold on them no matter what. Where is the loyalty in that? There was no love or loyalty laid with me, myself, and I. Going out my way for others was my #1 flaw. When I was in the dark them same people were no where to be found, the only person that was there was me. It then dawned on me I can never give anyone the love and loyalty I crave because I didn't know how to give it to myself.
My life began to change when I fell in love with myself and started respecting myself. Making time for myself is top priority. Accepting things for what they were was something I had to learn. People are allowed to treat you anyway they want to. Your only in control of how you receive and act towards it. Meeting the new me was like love at first sight. I no longer go out of my way for nothing or no one but myself. Now when things happen I INSTANTLY enter hermit mode. I go deeply within by sitting with my emotions. I allow myself to feel them... FEEL THEM not give them an identity. I then shower myself with love and comfort letting myself know its ok and no matter what I still and will always love myself. I am deeply proud of myself and learned to appreciate that old relationship I had with the old Khadizah because if I would have never went on that journey I wouldn't be where I am and I damn sure wouldn't know what true love is. Yeah I consider myself "my first love, my true love". Protecting my space was also an important lesson to learn, allowing any and everyone in my space is just allowing trouble in my space. Letting go of people and habits use to hurt now I don't be giving two flying fucks because I will forever choose me first. Tread lightly when approaching me and don't ask me why have I changed... Why are you still the same? In Ms. Lisa words "When you make changes people HAVE to change around you to be apart of you". If your telling yourself you love you make sure your actions match or else your just playing your damn yourself. Loving yourself is working on yourself.